In his wake, Larry left a hole in the lives of the five people that loved him most… strangely, none of the ‘five’ had any relationship by blood to Larry… our bond to Larry was one of love and true friendship… this bond ended on the day that Larry walked to the ridge behind his farmhouse, sat down, and ended his life with a single gunshot…

Of course, the ‘five’ live on… we’ve come to call ourselves ‘the circle’… we all think about Larry everyday… we might not consciously remember… but there is always some moment, some single thing that triggers a memory, mostly fleeting memories that we’re not necessarily aware of… but if you sit down and think about it… the memories are there…

We don’t talk about Larry the way we used to… sometimes we cry together, sometimes we cry alone… I suppose Sherry still cries the most… but she doesn’t tell us… and we don’t ask… but we should.

We cry together less now… I’m not sure I can remember when we last thought of Larry together… perhaps at Christmas?… if so, our recollections were silent… Is this healing?… I don’t know…

When I walk through my farmhouse or work on my equipment, I often think of Larry… the ways he helped me, the ways he taught me… I miss him…

My little girl misses him… again, like the four adults in ‘the circle’ she isn’t always aware… she still carries her knife, like ‘papaw’ did… she still likes to have all of her gadgets handy, like ‘papaw’ did… she remembers less now, the ‘ways of papaw’… and we don’t remind her… but we should…

We all wish that we could go back… we wish that we could say all of the things to Larry that we’ve had these last two years to contemplate… But we can’t… so we deal with this guilt as best we can, logically knowing that Larry’s decision was his, not ours…

Logical thought doesn’t provide much comfort though … the hurt still gets through… but it hurts less now… Is this healing?… I don’t know…

The pain was unbearable at first… we all walked around, numb and listless… not believing that Larry was gone… We’ve been angry, resentful, riddled with guilt, emptiness, and sorrow…  But I still miss Larry and hope that I will for the rest of my life…